“What should it look like?  What colors should I use?  What design should I give it?  What do I want this to become?  What do I want it to be when I finish?”

These questions, though sometimes productive, have a tendency to cripple the things I do all too often.  In my art, I feel like I need a plan before I put paint, graphite, charcoal, or pastel to the ‘canvas’ of choice.  Occasionally I have a very specific idea of what I hope to create, which helps me pursue that end.  I’ve found, though, that I “create” less often when I don’t have a plan…yet…I’m also realizing that I create far better under the same circumstances.

As I sat with my frame and my paints, I began a design that, in my head, was going to look great.  I had an idea of what I thought it should look like.  As I finished the third layer of detail on this design, I realized it wasn’t what I had envisioned…at all.  So I went back to my base paint and blackened over what I had been working on.  As I did this, it dawned on me that sometimes the best creations are the ones I don’t plan.  Sometimes I start with a very basic idea…colors I want to use or who I want to create something for or what silhouette I might want to work into a piece.  When I simply start something and let it become what it is (minus the detailed plan), I am usually most excited about what it looks like in the end.

So with that in mind…why do I sometimes plan out life so much?  Why do I apply some of those same questions on a micro level: “What should it look like?  What do I want it to be when I finish?”  Don’t hear what I’m not saying: I think plans are good to have in certain things–I love plans…and lists that go with them.  :)  But when planning takes away the surprises and little delights of the big picture that get missed in the pursuit of creating exactly what we’ve decided things should look like, we have to realize we need less plan and more creativity.  It’s like deciding to paint a skyline and determining it needs to be perfectly to scale and a true likeness rather than a not-so-perfect, one-of-a-kind sort of image that just “happens.”

I don’t know what it is in your life that you may have all planned out, but I would encourage you to allow God to create in you and with you a picture that is so much greater than you can dream up for yourself.  I think we all limit the possibilities in one way or another.  I’m hoping that 2011 will be a great example of God’s creativity (power and sense of humor) in my life.  I don’t want to limit Him to any plan I may have for myself.

Excited about the view from the Red Chair.  :)

Over the years, a few “non-traditional” Christmas songs have found their place among my favorites.  The music and the lyrics are so beautiful.  Music has a way of stirring up memories, intensifying emotions, or expressing for us a feeling we have.  God has used music in my life to remind me of his love, challenge me in my walk, bring me to my knees, turn me from things I’m overwhelmed by, remind me of the power of his Spirit and his Word, and bring glory and worship to himself. 

I just wanted to share one of the songs I like to worship with any time of the year, but especially at Christmas.  It’s a wonderful reflection of why and Who we celebrate this wonderful season: Christ.

God wanted me there, though, and he made that very clear to me. Well, it wasn’t clear at first…He kind of had to shake me a little (okay, a lot) so I would see it. When I first heard about our church mission trip to Romania, I didn’t even give it enough thought to brush it off. I was heading into a summer-long internship in the student ministry at my church and I was quitting my “paying” job in order to do it. A fall mission trip most certainly was not on my radar…it was an impossibility and far, far, far from consideration.

About a month into promotion of the mission, the trip leader Kent Jones approached me and asked if I was going to go with the team. Ummm….how was I going to tell him NO in a way that he would accept it and not give me that look…you know, the one that makes you feel guilty and wonder if you should actually PRAY about it first. All I could tell him was facts: I didn’t know if I would even have a job when the Oct-Nov trip came around, let alone money enough to get me to Romania. It was a HIGH improbability. He didn’t budge. He said, “well, I think ya should pray about it.” {{sigh}} Okay…I would pray about it.

Summer came and, though I had expected it to be a wave of activity, it was more like a tsunami (without all of the destruction, thankfully). Kent caught me one morning at church and asked what I was “thinking” about the Romania trip. I was barely cognizant of what day it was and though I had prayed about a lot since the last time we spoke, I still hadn’t given much thought to Romania, writing it off as something I just wasn’t going to be able to do. So…I promised him again that I would pray about it, but I just didn’t think it was going to be possible. I was broke and seeing joblessness at the end of the tunnel…how would I justify (to my parents and my roommate…and everyone else I felt was watching me) hopping on a plane to Europe just 2 months after my internship?

God and I talked about a lot that summer. And when I saw Kent at church on Sundays, I prayed about Romania…with a spirit of doubt (or, in my mind, “logic”). I went back to work for my parents part-time while I looked for a different job and I was making just enough to make ends meet. My step-dad (the boss man) had given me his opinion on mission trips before and it wasn’t a favorable opinion: Romania was definitely “out.”

So when Kent confronted me just two weeks after summer had ended and said, “Amber, I think you’re supposed to go to Romania with us,” I felt incredibly disappointed that my circumstances simply wouldn’t allow it. Kent said, “what if money wasn’t a factor?” Ummm…hello…fragile job situation and non-understanding boss. Kent looked completely frustrated and disappointed all in the same moment. I hated that.

In a surprise phone call the next morning, he told me my trip had been paid for…all I had to do was get off of work for 10 days. So, I sucked it up and prepared myself for total rejection and disappointment–not only was the trip just 8 weeks away, but it overlapped with opening day of deer season (this was key…I always covered my step-dad at the store on opening weekend). And in a moment only God could orchestrate, my step-dad answered my request without question: “Yeah, babe, I think that’ll be fine.”

What? Huh? Come again? Surely…surely the shock was visible on my face. I was going to Romania. My step-dad gave me the time off, my trip was paid for, and I was going to Romania. Wow. NONE of this made sense. Okay, God…whatever you say. :)

As I write this, I am reminded of the innumerable things in my life that have seemed improbable or impossible to me. And I just have to say…God LOVES shattering the “impossibles” of life. He is THAT big and THAT awesome.

“Many, LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done,
the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
they would be too many to declare.”

Psalm 40:5

I was doing dishes and talking to God about the sacrifice I felt he was asking of me.  My conversation with Him that morning went a little like this:

ME:  “Lord…can You just call me to the ‘white picket fence’ kind of life?  You know–husband, kids, PTA, Bible study, and a white picket fence?”

GOD:  “Really?  Are you serious?”

ME:  “I’m pretty sure I want marriage and family and…the American Dream”

GOD:  “You just THINK that would be the best life.  But, what I ask of you and prepare for you will be so much better than what you can imagine for yourself.”

ME:  “God…it seems so big…what you’re asking of me…and I’m a little freaked out by it”

GOD:  “Amber…do this for me: no matter how much you want to sit in the ‘green’ chair, however enticing or wonderful it may seem, sit in the red chair.  I promise you that the view, the blessings, the experiences will be more than you would ever have sitting in the green chair of your choice.”

Sounds simplistic, huh?  Or maybe it sounds cryptic and makes no sense at all.  Background info: green has always been one of my favorite colors, so I would naturally choose to “sit in a green chair” because it appeals to me.  Green=everything I want for me.  Red (at that time) was one of my least favorite colors…it would probably be the last “chair” I would have chosen for myself if given the option.  Red=everything GOD wants for me.  Starting to make more sense?

Well anyway, that day I realized that no matter what God calls me to do, where He calls me to go, what He asks me to sacrifice, it is all so much better than what I would choose for myself.  It will probably be outside of my comfort zone and beyond what I am used to.  I’m sure I will balk at opportunities and ask God if he’s crazy from time to time.  I’m sure I’ll stare at what he puts before me with eyes wide open and heart pounding in my chest.  But THAT is where the adventure is.

I WANT to sit in the Red Chair.  I WANT to see things the way HE sees things.  I WANT whatever HE wants for me.  I don’t ever want to settle for the green chair…no matter how “pretty” it may seem. 

I want the Red Chair…and the life that comes with “sitting right where God wants me.”

I feel like this lately.  It’s not the first time, either.  Perhaps I’ve given too little in the past…or maybe I’ve never done or given what I God was actually asking of me at all.  I honestly don’t know what’s being asked of me.  I just feel this weight on my shoulders…or this tug at my spirit that I can’t shake.  It’s resulting in a sort of discontent.

Don’t get me wrong.  I have plenty to be thankful for and more than enough to find great content in.  God has blessed me so much more than I could have ever imagined.  In fact, there is so much I love about my life right now.  If I’m being honest with myself, fear accompanies the thought that God might ask me to change very much.  There is no doubt that this has a little to do with what I’m feeling.  Okay, so it’s probably a LOT of what I’m feeling.

As I process these thoughts and feelings I start feeling a little crazy, to be quite honest.  It usually goes a little like this: “Maybe I’ve been disobedient in not going on mission over seas.  But I really feel like God’s called me here…and I LOVE what He has me doing.  Maybe I’m too comfortable.  Maybe I just need to dream bigger, give more, and go more.  What if He wants me to sell everything and move to Africa? Or Europe? Or South America?  What if He wants me to sell everything and stay here?  Does he want me to minister among the poor and homeless and imprisoned?  Is there a ministry or people group or orphanage somewhere that God is calling me to give my life to while I’m here on this earth?”

I don’t know what the answer is.  But I know God has an answer.  And his answer probably has a name and a face and a story…or 200 names and faces and stories.  Maybe it’s in McKinney, Texas.  Maybe it’s in Santiago, Chile or Petris, Romania.  I don’t know…..

Even in my wondering tonight, I am confident in the God who has purposed ALL things, ALL people, and ALL stories.  May my purpose be lived out…even now…in the wondering.

So, in Genesis 1:3 God says “Let there be light.”  Light…now, THAT was a pretty good idea. [Even God thought so...He said "it was good."]  Okay, so the cool thing that I realized was not that God created light (though that is stinkin’ awesome in and of itself), but the order in which He set creation in motion related to light.

You see, on the FIRST day, God created light and separated it from darkness (which was not created, but simply existed…it was basically nothingness).  It wasn’t until the FOURTH day, though, that God created what we consider to be a source of light.  “God set them [the sun and the moon, or the 'greater light' and the 'lesser light' as the Bible puts it] in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness.” (Gen. 1:17-18a)

Three days before He created the very things we know as light sources–the sun, moon, and stars–God created light!  Light existed without a sun…or a moon…or those incredible twinklers set in the midnight sky.  Was GOD the light during that time, then?  It certainly brings new meaning (for me) to the scripture where Jesus (God in person) says “I am the light of the world” (John 8:12)…He LITERALLY was/is the LIGHT of the world.  Can you imagine that? 

GOD=LIGHT

Two words: AH-MAZING.  : )

Not. So. Much. You see…I’m an over-thinker. (I think)

I think about making “interesting” or “entertaining” entries and it becomes exactly what I did NOT intend my blogging experience to be. I don’t even have anything all that INTERESTING or ENTERTAINING to talk about. Ha. WHY on EARTH would I expect my blog to be either. :)

No…I’m just a thinker. As average as they come, I suppose. I think (there’s that word again) I’ll just piggy-back off of one of the ridiculous Facebook trends of the moment and list some randomness.

15 Random Things I’m THINKING About Tonight:

1. I would love to do ANYTHING but work on my Christian History and Heritage homework. I don’t think that makes me a bad Christian OR a bad student…I think it means I’m pretty friggin’ normal, actually.

2. I wish I could wiggle my nose and my apartment would be all put-together. All my dishes done and put away. The empty boxes and wadded up newspaper that litters my kitchen/dining room at the moment would be magically gone. And I would have pictures or artwork hanging on my sad, bare walls. :)

3. I think it would be WONDERFUL if I could just go to bed and not get up until I absolutely WANTED to tomorrow…IF I wanted to. My bed is pretty stinkin’ cozy, people.

4. My toes are cold.

5. I need to go turn out my kitchen light, but I don’t want to get up at the moment.

6. I have a few people I should probably respond to on Facebook…maybe I will tomorrow.

7. I wish I was in the mood to run…cuz I sure would like to be in running shape again. AND I’d like to not DIE on the Valentine’s Day run I plan to do…

8. Somehow, I need to figure out life. Somehow.

9. I don’t deserve God’s goodness. Thank Heavens for GRACE.

10. It’d be wonderful to find my own Edward Cullen…only, with a pulse.

11. I’m going to be HOW OLD in 2 1/2 months?! No way…that can’t be right.

12. I probably have a DOZEN bills that need to be paid. Oops.

13. I should probably put in a change-of-address already…otherwise I’ll REALLY have some bills that need to be paid.

14. It all works out in the end….right? The things we don’t understand…the things we question…the things we invest too much time in, thinking they are actually of high importance. It all works out…and we really don’t have to do it on our own.

15. I’m so glad God loves this messed-up, confused, distracted, over-thinker who really just wants to be part of a changed world and better futures.

Here’s what it said:

Everyone longs to have their life “mean” something.  Many of us long for something greater than anything this world could ever offer.  Actually, all of us do.  We may not even realize it until something “big” happens and snaps life into perspective, though.

Some long for perfect love—no broken hearts, no unrequited love, no fear of loving or being loved.  Others may long for justice—due “payment” for wrongs committed against them or those they love, recognition for all the hard work that may go unnoticed or that someone else takes credit for.  Still others long for life free from pain—void of physical ailment, handicap, or disease.  They desire life free from seeing a world torn by war and other evils, the pains of seeing our young people make decisions that lead them down the wrong paths.  A life free from divorce, miscarriage, cancer, murder, war, poverty, hunger, AIDS, discrimination, inequality, and death. 

The world would say that such a life is impossible—but it exists.  It’s found in a love given freely and selflessly, through unjust pain endured…in the death of One who gives life to all things.

None of us will ever know such love, justice, and freedom from pain and fear until we know the One who gives it.  Jesus Christ holds the key to the very things each of us longs for.  Without Christ, we only long for what we cannot gain by our own power.  With Him, however, we get it all—no questions asked, no dues to pay, no tasks to perform, no strings attached.

I found this out in my early twenties.  I had known for a while that there was something missing in my life…something more I was longing for.  It was something no life plan, or education, or work, or possessions, or hobbies could satisfy.  I had a descent job, I was beginning to work my way through college, I was performing in plays, and living life on my own.  And I wasn’t happy.  I was empty.  No matter what I told myself, no matter what I tried to do to “cheer” myself up, I wasn’t happy.

In the eyes of family and those I regularly came into contact with, I’m sure it looked like I had a pretty good thing going.  But I knew that every day I wanted simply to stay in bed was a day I was missing something.  I was so focused on what to “do” with my life, how to “be” successful, and how to please “me” and get “me” happy, that I was running myself into a brick wall without even knowing it.  What I didn’t realize then was that I didn’t have to do everything on my own.  I didn’t have to beat my own path or lay out the course I would take in my life.  It was never for me to do in the first place—I didn’t have to stress over all of that.

When my (now, best-) friend Angela invited me to church in 2002, I didn’t realize how much my life was about to change.  I had heard about Jesus in junior high, asked Him into my heart (over a dozen times in a matter of years), and was even baptized.  But I never really understood salvation.  I never understood that I only needed to ask Christ into my life once and believe in the sacrifice he made for me and have hope in the changes he would make in me.  I had no clue.  I felt like, in 2002, that I believed in who Christ was and had been saved, but I had not committed to FOLLOW Him.  So I did.  And I began this journey of realizing it’s not about religion, not about church…it’s about love and a relationship and sharing it with the world.

 Finally, (it seemed) my life began to change.  It didn’t necessarily get easier, nor did I figure it all out right away (or at any point for that matter).

*   *   *   *   *   * 

So…I got to this point and saw that this was all I had written.  I thought, “that’s a really good story…where’s the rest?”  So I flipped through the pages of the spiral wondering if I had randomly continued it on another page.  After not finding it, I turned back to the page where I had left off, staring at those last words, and said, “where’s the ending?”

And then…it hit me.  There is no ending.  The story is still in progress…the film is still rolling…the author is still writing…the path is still winding…and my part is to keep going.  My work isn’t finished.  The mundane things that bog us down in this world (as a few things have in my life lately) are merely part of the plot…and everyone is watching and waiting to see how we react and make it through to the next adventure in the saga.  So what does my part, what does your part, in the story of life look like?  Is it a tragedy?  Is it a comedy?  Is it a drama?  Is it based on truth…a true story?  Is it based on false reality…fiction?  Is it an adventure?  Is it an inspiration?

I love that it’s not over.  I find such hope in His never ending story.  And I hope that when the time comes for my “exit,” that my part in the story will have been one of great character, godly wisdom, selflessness, and wild pursuit of Christ.